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"There are moments which make your life. Moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same and time is divided into two parts- before this, and after this." August 2, 2014
I am not sure where that quote came from, I ran across it on Facebook of all places. I took a screen shot of it and kept it hidden amongst my photos for several months, close to two to be exact. I am not a writer. I don't really like to write stuff down. I prefer to do stuff. I would rather not think, or feel, or ponder. I would much rather move and act and do. Which is precisely the reason why this blog has set empty for 6 months. The blog sitting empty is nothing new. I do that often. Then, I will catch a bug and in two weeks, blog an entire years worth of events. Not this year, not in 2014. Because in 2014 everything is different. Even things that happened before August 2nd, now feels different. I am sure, at some point I will pull up all the pictures and blog 2014 but for now I have to take a few days, or weeks or months and blog August and September and October of 2014. Not because I want too but because I need too. Because I need to attempt some form of healing. Because I need my children, and their children and their children to know and recognize the tender mercies of the Gospel and the legacy of the life and death of our sweet Ryker. In order to understand our sorrow, you must understand Ryker's life.
You see some people who lose a nephew or a cousin may have only seen that relative 3 or 4 times a year. We are lucky enough to see our cousins 3 or 4 time a weeks some weeks. We see our entire extended family at least 1 time a week. Every Sunday we eat dinner at my Mom's house. Every Sunday. The summer of 2014 we had been to St. George, Lake Powell, Bear Lake and probably various other short little trips that I can't recall. We had all sat in Ryker's kitchen while he opened his mission call. My 9 year old Jordan had felt like she should miss her orchestra concert to see Ryker open his mission call. For whatever reason, I had no problem with that. Two night's before Ryker's accident we sat in the living room of the Laketown house and laughed for nearly 2 hours about "Benjamin Button's disease" and "Little People." The night before Ryker's accident as he and sweet Taylor walked out the door out of the Laketown house the last words I said to him were Love ya and see you tomorrow. How grateful I am for the hours and time spent creating a relationship with my 18 year old nephew that those sort of words were common place.
The day we found out about Ryker's death Lance took the call. He knew 30 minutes before he told Tonia. What must of that been like for him? It must have been a private Gethsemane of sorts. Ryker was a younger version of himself. They were truly the same person. I mean TRULY! Lance had already lost one son, and now another. Lance isn't the type to question the Lord or to get angry. I'll bet he worried about his wife and Hayden. When the police officer met the boat and Hayden, my Mom and I walked up to the condo I said a prayer. I asked my Heavenly Father to please give me the courage and the peace of mind to handle the situation. I knew something was severly wrong. I was trying to talk myself into the fact that we hadn't lost Ryker. When we walked into the condo and I saw Lance's face, I knew. Then the words came out of Lance's mouth. Some how he found the strength to say them. Hayden put his hands on his head and began to pace. In that tiny living room of the condo there was Tonia, Lance, Hayden, Mom, 2 or 3 Highway patrolmen and myself. Given that my family has been in the tow industry for 30 years Lance, Ryan and my Dad and Ryker have close working relationships with the highway patromen. Everyone of them in that room was teary eyed. They were mourning wtih those that mourn and comforting those in need of comfort. I was so impressed that day with the service of those men.
I took my Mom out of the room and set her on a picnic bench and looked down at the beach. The entirety of my family was down there. They all knew something was wrong but didn't know what. I told my broken hearted Mom to stay put and starting back down to the beach again praying to my Father in Heaven pleading for the words. I had to somehow tell my sisters, brothers in law and every niece and nephew that we had lost our dear Ryker. When I got down to the beach I called the adults over. I told them that Ryker had been in an accident and had been killed instantly. My dad was at the Ranch and he needed to be told, Lance and Tonia needed a ride home and my Mom needed support. Kim went to help Tonia and Jill (who is 9 months pregnant) went to sit with my Mom. Shea and Adam headed over to the Ranch to try to find my Dad and my dear sweet husband got in the car to take Lance, Tonia and Hayden home. Then I looked around and realized I was down on a crowded beach with 10 kids! I gathered them in a circle and told them. Forever imprinted in my mind will be the look on every one of their faces. Every single one of them grieved in a way similar to their personality. Hunter responded exactly like Hayden, he put his hands on his head and began to pace. Mitchell cried very loudly in dramatic form, which is how he does things. Reagan began to cry, laid down on the sand and turned away from the group, Reag, love her alone time. Jord and Samantha cried and leaned on eacher. They pretend to be enemied often but the truth is they really need each other. Sweet Andre cried and cried as he dug a hole, he always has to be busy. MaeMae cried and sat on my lap, center of attention. That is where she is the most comfotable. Kinni wasn't exactly sure. He could certianly tell everyone was upset. He kept repeating, Ryker in a car wreck. But the part I will never forget as long as I live is the way they comforted each other. Because I was the only adult there they had to rely on each other. Hunter was with me, but he was the second oldest boy and very close to Ryker so he was hurting in a very real way and needing some time by himself. Being Raspbery days is beach is packed and the kids are a mess. I didnt want to take them in the condo as Lance and Tonia are trying to leave so we left the beach and headed up to the grass and sat in the shade. As we went to leave the beach a family near us cleaned up our entire mess (and we make a big one!). They carried everything to the condo and put it all away. As we got to the grass I realized that Taylor was asleep in the condo, just as I was sending Jeff inside to tell her she came outside. She had woke up and walked out into the living room and saw Hayden and he had told her.
As I sat with the kids I began to realize the logistics of getting home. Our boat was in the water. We had multiple cars there. Another prayer, another answer. We called our dear friends the Huskinskons. They got our boat out of the water and left it at their home at Bear Lake. They drove cars to us. Our friends that Barringtons drove a car home for us. Dennis, Chris and Kylee cleaned the Laketown house, brought us clothes from it and hauled cars back and forth. There are Angels everywhere.
As hours wore on, Shea and Adam had found my Dad. I have never seen my sweet Dad so broken. He was a little shorter, a little weaker. Ryker was his right hand Ranch man. They spent weeks together at the Ranch bailing hay and fixing fence. Ryker's idolized his Grandpa and I think Grandpa idolized Ryker. A little piece of Grandpa's heart was taken that day. Ryan and Alicia were in Park City at a soccer tournament with Kendall. I had been trying and trying to reach him. I finally was able to get through. As I told Ryan, he was just silent, no words. Ryan doesn't do words well. He is so tender. He worked all day with Ryker. They were both "manly" men who believed a truck isn't a truck if you don't shift it by yourself. You rarely see either one without a hat one and neither one would EVER wear any "pretty boy" clothes. Ryan was hurting not just for himself but for his big brother and best friend Lance as well. They spent all day every day together. They know each other inside and out! I don't think Ryan believed me at first, he repeated "he is dead?" several times. I understand why. Because this whole thing really is unbeleivable. For the frist month of this tragedy sometimes I could forget for a second, just a second. But soon the suffocating sick feelings would come back. The heavy pain so intense on my chest that sometimes I wished it would physically crush my chest, because that may have hurt less.
Word travels fast and I began to get texts and calls from family and friends. We were ready to get home and we loaded up the cars. Because Jeff and driven Lance and Tonia home I was the only woman left to drive a car home. I was a little panicked at first but pushed it aside. I am a doer. We said a prayer all of us, broken and tired, weary and sad. Taylor and Jordan were afraid to drive through the Logan Canyon. I told them, "We will drive through this canyon a million times in the future we may as well start today." I was so afraid to pass where I thought that accident sight was. All of the adults in the other cars noticed it but me. Again, I was blessed.
We all returned to Cache Valley safe and headed over to Lance and Tonia's house. Their Bishop, Relief Society President and many friends and ward members had already arrived. Their house was already filled with food and love. The goodness of people. My poor sweet bother was just a shell of a man. For the first time in my entire life I saw him broken, he had no words. He high school friends poured in and when they arrived he opened up a little. As much as my own heart broke, my heart broke even more for Lance and Tonia and Hayden. As the night wore down, Lance and Tonia received blessings of comfort. I don't remember much that was said that night. I do remember that the Holy Spirit was there and testified to all of us that the enabling power of the Atonement is very real and that it will save and comfort Lance, Tonia and Hayden in the days, weeks and years to come.
Jeff called Chase to tell him. He was on a job when he got the news. When he arrived home for the funeral he told he felt like he had "been physically punched in the gut." He was so upset that he asked his boss if he could go back to the trailer on site for a bit to regroup. When he walked in the trailer the television was on. Playing at that very moment was a commercial that Chase and Ryker had laughed and laughed about. That was a tender mercy for Chase. A message that he is being looked after.
Hayden came home with us. He didn't want to go up to his room and sleep across from that empty bedroom. I fed him and then he finally went to sleep. I did not. Ryker was close to us that night. He wasn't there for me, but for Hayden. I was on my couch and would wake about every hour to listen to check on Hayden. Sometimes when I woke I swore I could feel Ryker in my living room. I am certian he was looking after Hayden.
I am not sure the feelings to describe that day. I am certain they will chage over time. Sometimes I am extremely angry about that day. Sometimes I never want to go to Bear Lake ever again! Sometimes I want to go to Bear Lake right away because I know Ryker loved it there! Most of the time I just don't know. What I do know is that never before have I been dealt a pain so intense, so difficult that I literally am not able to bear it. Some days I have to pray every second of every day just to maintin some level of productivity. Some days I don't care about productivity. Some days I have to have Faith to see past the fog. I have to keep taking one more step in order to have the visibility to see the next one. One thing that day has taught me: slow down. Check lists don't matter, time really doesn't matter, winning doesnt matter, losing doesn't matter, grade point averages don't matter. Serve people, love people, try and be nice, have faith, work hard and be forgiving. The Plan of Happiness doesnt call for perfection!! Don't worry I haven't thrown all caution to the wind! I have learned that is Taylor is struggling significantly in dealing with her grief than that is far more important than her grade in history. Healing right now is our priority. Both Taylor and Jordan have missed school at least once because it was just too much that day and that's okay. That an afternoon with Jaxon is much better than checking off my "TO-DO" list. I am grateful for the prespective that has come with August 2, 2014. I am sure I will learn so many more lessons. I am grateful for a family that holds up one another. I am grateful for the strength the Lord has given me to fight this battle. To help my family when they need it. I am grateful for a very patient husband as I fight my own battle. Greiving is a strange thing. We all do it in different ways and it mean something diffent to each one of us. I am grateful for a newphew who left such a profound mark on my life. Who left a legacy that we will stive to live up too. I am grateful for his parents for raising him and to their parents for raising them. I am grateful for the prayers of others. I literally felt the prayers of others our behalf.
Jeff and I attended a baptism a few days ago of a 25 year old lady in our ward. As the missionaries taught I becamse overwhelmed with emotion thinking about Ryker. My emotion was short lived as I relized how must greater his teaching capacity is in Paradise. There is no doubt in my mind that Ryker is doing great things. No doubt that he is working extremely hard that he is loving the heck out of whatever he is doing. It may take another 3 months before I blog about August 3rd, I suppose we will see???
